


nothing is meant to make sense

by wuzhesmochi



Category: SNH48
Genre: Deal With It, F/F, be, daituo because i'm still emo over them, emptiness is all one can feel, going separate ways is the only option, not even a goodbye, not fated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25282552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wuzhesmochi/pseuds/wuzhesmochi
Summary: what use is being soulmates... when fate is against you.-soulmates. always misconceived. being soulmates does not mean that fate is on your side. it brings you pain; it fucks every beautiful thing you've once felt up to the point you've lost reasoning, lost will.(short one-shot)
Relationships: Dai Meng/Xu Jiaqi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	nothing is meant to make sense

**Author's Note:**

> G.E.M.- 泡沫

sometimes.. a connection of mind, the mutual respect, unconditional love and total understanding between individuals just isn’t enough. not enough to bind the two together. one would say… the ambition of a human overpowers their desire for another. 

one is trying to outrun fate while the other falls while trying to meet them in the middle. what use is there to being soulmates when you’re just not fated?

—

it doesn’t matter that she stood under the cruel rain for you just that once, it doesn’t matter that her embrace chased your night terrors away, it doesn’t matter that the curve of her lips is what makes you happy, it doesn’t matter because they’re not for you anymore; you tell yourself.

but you contradict yourself.

as if she were your only memory, everything that’s yours feels so unfamiliar. your home feels cold and the heater proves itself useless. you seek warmth, but nothing is warm enough for you. it hits you for the nth time that… it’s because the warmth you seek is her warmth. 

or more so the warmth you feel because of her.

your ears pick up the sound of the cupboard shutting in your kitchen. hope fills you once again. you abruptly pick yourself up and run as fast as your legs were willing to carry you. it didn’t matter that your feet were cold and legs were hard to lift. 

nothing mattered when she was the only one that occupied your mind. nothing mattered when your senses craved for her.

the shine in your eyes dim, fatigue glazing over once again. the wounds on your lips covered by dried blood reopen once again, due to you chewing on them. your arms go limp. your sore legs and cold feet that didn’t matter for a minute… give out. it’s just qmi. just qmi playing with the cupboards again. you tear your eyes away from her, as if she could feel your gaze divert she mews and waddles towards you, with her young and uncoordinated legs. 

you pick her up.

“i’m sorry.. you must miss dai anna too.” you whisper as she rubs herself against your cheeks in which tears flowed.

.  
.  
.

she had been sitting there for days. in same corner, the framed photo of her and… the one she once called hers, standing a metre or so away from her. she had no excuses. no “i did it for her”, no “we needed this”. she just left. how much she loved her didn’t matter with her at that point. god, she sounded so cruel. she felt cruel. 

then she contradicts herself. about not having excuses that is.

“it’s for the best.” she murmurs, staring pointedly at the exact face she so desperately wanted to caress.

but she’s only human. and human’s always try to make themselves feel better, feel less like a piece of shit. 

then she reaches out for the frame, falling and hitting her chin against the tile floor in the process. usually she’d be hissing in pain with anna hovering over her but instead she’s numb. she manages to sit back up, scooting back to the corner. 

sad eyes didn’t sum it up quite right. but she noticed how the other… had no curve to her lips with a shadow cast over her eyes.

she didn’t take enough time. she never slowed down. everything went too fast. she realised.. their ship had been sailing too fast on rough waters. too much living in the moment and too much belief put into a forever. 

pressing the cold frame against her forehead she whispers out a series of “i’m sorry”s. 

anna started crying out as if feeling her pain. she rested a paw against her mum’s knee, then taking it off and layed down pressing herself against her legs, leaving a paw print of warmth on that knee.

that paw print faded, followed by a stream of coldness running down her face. 

— 

the next time you see her, it’s in new york. at that small corner store where you’re buying a small jam donut and she’s in her business attire, waiting for her coffee. 

she doesn’t notice you, but you stare at her from a safe distance. you watch as she plops in two sugar cubes. as if taken back in time, you witness how she cleanly bites the third cube in half, dropping a half into her coffee.

you still remember. you remember that she likes it with two and a half sugar cubes. it flashes through your mind. the image of you and her… in your kitchen exchanging the smallest of kisses. small but tender, traces of the cube sweetly evident on her lips.

you pretend to be looking at the small handmade accessories the shop is selling when you realise she’s gazing at you. you want to bathe in her gaze for just a little longer but force yourself to turn your back on her. your saliva thickens, causing you to swallow hard and the pain that you thought you had forgotten slowly creeps back to your chest. 

you only bring yourself to turn back around and take a breath when you hear the ringing of bells from the door when she exits. 

you know she’s thriving with her work. you do nothing but smile to yourself. you’re just glad that she’s well, glad that she’s not holding herself back. but even gladness has a bitter taste to it. bitter because.. after being met with disappointment again and again you still held hope. you were still waiting.

.  
.  
.

it was a month or two after that small encounter at the corner store that she crossed paths with the other girl again. this time they were at sensoji temple. it was spring.

she realises that all the times they had crossed paths, she was always met with the back view of the girl. it left a sour taste in her mouth but then again, who was she to feel this way. she chose to leave so she didn't have the option of chasing. it was snowing cherry blossoms at this time of the year. she wanted to run up to xu jiaqi and hug her from behind. like that day in the cruel rain, but this time with pink petals raining down.

but she knew. she knew the girl was here to forget about her. who was she to take her resolve away from her. 

little did she know, that what she “knew” was false. xu jiaqi was still waiting for her.

she closes her eyes, thinking back to when her, jiaqi, xu zixuan and wu zhehan had visited. it was years back. she just wished that she had taken just one more look at her face that day, while they were showered with cherry blossoms. if only she had taken longer to take that sight in….

if only.

— 

fate played with the connection of mind between the two. just like how telephone lines are disrupted. 

what they once knew or understood, changed. everything changed. they had chances, but they didn't know. jiaqi could've looked up and kept the girl there but instead she turned away. daimeng had the chance to run up to the girl and hold her, but she thought wrong. 

what could the ending have been...?

— 

time passes. you still remember her. but you’ve snapped out of it. 

your brain no longer spirals out of control. yes, there's still longing. there's so much still there. but what could you do about it?

you had finally come to the conclusion that waiting was useless. you hated that you concluded to this only now. months after she had already concluded your story. 

it was the end and you had _finally_ accepted it.

**fin.**

_our happiness was our sun. we were the bubble. we were beautiful under the sun. who knew we would be this delicate. we hit a wall and we burst. who knew that the wall was our relationship. the exact one we thought was perfect. maybe we relied too much on the fact that we were “meant” for each other. i relied too much on your love and you relied too much on the fact that i loved you. love… wasn’t enough for us in the end_

**Author's Note:**

> why they were not fated did not need to be mentioned. how they weren't fated and how it came to be like this does not need an explanation. let yourself run wild. what would cause you... to end up like this?
> 
> not everything has to make sense in order for something to be.  
> -
> 
> everyone has their own definition of soulmates. this. is mine.
> 
> you think soulmates = forever? forever is fake. a word that people constantly throw around for reassurance, a word used to convince cowards. forever is a concept of time and time is against you, time is something to be wary of. well, for me at least.
> 
> for me, soulmates aren't bound by fate. fate isn't to always be on their side. soulmates... may be the total understanding as a whole, unconditional love between two people. but those are just actions and feelings. just because of the existence of those things does not mean you can outrun time, avoid situations. maybe you are soulmates. let's say maybe forever is real and raw. even if it were, what is the point of that forever? would you just keep swimming around? what do you want to do with that person in the forever? just be in love? just to have that someone? happiness doesn't come hand in hand with time. you can't rely on other things for happiness. just because you have a forever and a soulmate... it doesn't mean you'll forever be in paradise. what is the point of having a forever? life would be pointless. it would be a never ending book where you're the author AND the reader. are you not curious as to how this will end? are you fan of books that is one ridiculously long chapter? don't you want a meaningful life with multiple chapters? different characters? different experiences? different emotions? and not just two people oblivious towards things that aren't them and their forever? 
> 
> what is truly important to you? why would forever overpower that? why would it pale in comparison to a soulmate? if that's how it is... maybe it really isn't important to you at all.


End file.
